We felt it was timely to share something different but incredibly important and impactful in a leader’s journey; “Making your Partner your Partner”. I use the word we, as this article was predominantly written by my amazing wife and life partner, Melinda.
As leaders, we often hear “it’s lonely at the top”. What we don’t often hear is “and cold in the shadows”.
We know the importance of investing time, energy and resources into self-development and self-discipline, and building transparent relationships, trust and accountability with our teams. But do we place the same level of importance on our most critical and hopefully longest relationship, our life partner?
After 34 years of marriage, 3 (now adult) children, 10 international moves, and 23 house moves, we are often asked “how has your relationship survived?”.
Like any relationship, it takes ongoing commitment and work! We have been fortunate to have great mentors, coaches, resources and role models who have helped us to understand and recognise the importance of making your partner your partner.
Please allow us to share some of the wisdom we have learned over the years:
Communication: IS KEY
- Open and honest communication instils the feeling of trust and security.
- Listen with the intent to learn, not to fix. Let them know – I hear you, I see you, I feel you.
- Often, we just want to be heard by our partners, and not necessarily advised on what to do! As the listener, ask permission to give some thoughts; and it is OK for the speaker to say “no”.
- Clear the air, voice your needs through “clean talk” and check in to make sure they are being met. A simple but powerful and unarguable comment is “when you did (or said)… I felt…”. Your feelings are undeniable, so this is a sound base to build a discussion from.
- If you feel there is tension, then there probably is… don’t shy aware from asking the simple question “What’s wrong?”.
- Choose your battles. Neither of you will ALWAYS be right, not every discussion should be a debate. Know when to just say “ok that is fine with me”, even if your competitive nature wants to keep debating.
Connection:
- Come together in a mindset of collaboration and a place of vulnerability.
- Make time for each other through dedicated date nights. Agree not to talk about family and work and turn devices off! Too often it’s easy to spend 90% of our conversation on the children, our ageing parents and work, as opposed to having those diverse and lively conversations that we had when we were “courting”. On our date nights, we play backgammon (best of 3) and we come prepared with 3 questions each, that can’t relate to family or work, to be answered and discussed over dinner.
- Focus on “we” rather than “me” and share a willingness to look at what is best for you as a couple. This can be a very difficult and complex space requiring tradeoffs with multiple careers and the demands of children and family.
- During tough conversations and tough times, turn towards each other. Lean in, rather than away.
- Recognise each other’s strengths and play to them. Define roles and trust each other to know and own their responsibility in this team of “we”.
- “Get off the stage” – don’t buy into the drama or the dramatic behaviours (persecutor, victim, rescuer) of those around you. Hold your boundaries.
- Be the gatekeeper for each other, play an active role in managing the battles, filtering who and what gets through. It may not make you popular with various stakeholders, but you need to protect each other.
Celebrate
- Be your partner’s #1 Cheerleader (not critic), when they are shining. Be the one to hold them up, show appreciation and gratitude.
- Be a team grounded in love.
How will you show up for your life partner today?
If you would like to know please don’t hesitate to contact us at Impactful Leadership.
