No-one enjoys confrontation. As a leader, you must be comfortable engaging in difficult conversations, every day. From giving feedback to an underperforming team member, to dealing with a disappointed customer or a negotiation with a supplier. The skill resides in your ability to have a direct and rational conversation, minimising the emotion of both parties.

One approach is to have a confrontational conversation with the same tone, tempo and language as a normal conversation. Below is an approach that I use to achieve this:

Firstly, why can these interactions be so difficult?

• Conversation often starts with an accusation or a critical, and potentially incorrect, assumption made by one party. The first sentence sets the tone. Anger and frustration are immediately evident, particularly if the parties have a history of disagreement.
• Confrontation leads to defensiveness. Once both parties start defending their “beach head” position, resolution is unlikely:
  • Neither party is open to a rational discussion, as emotion and pride have kicked-in.
  • Neither party is consciously listening to the other’s point of view. They are planning their next statement.
  • Both parties are aspiring for a win-lose outcome.

Confrontation as a Conversation – first principles:

• Know how you want the conversation to end. What is your target outcome? What would you accept at the other end? What is your need vs want?
• Be comfortable knowing that this may be the first of numerous conversations on the topic.  Pushing for resolution too early may not give the other party time to absorb and reflect on the information.
• Honestly put yourself in the other person’s shoes (belief in people is the safest place to start) to best understand their situation.
• Endeavour to clear past baggage/history. Explain why today’s conversation may be different. If this is a first conversation, start slowly and set the scene for the discussion.
• Apologising is sometimes a good start, even if you may not feel you were wrong.
• Be open to the conversation; listen and exhibit a “belief in people approach”, until proven wrong.
• In your communication, focus on the facts. Talk to them only in a balanced conversational manner, and, if necessary, a caring or empathetic manner. Be aware of your body language. Avoid assumptions and generalisations. A generalisation is the best way to ramp up emotions.
• Talking about how something made you feel is undeniable. The other party cannot refute this.
• As the conversation progresses, choose your battles.  Winning everything is unlikely. Be prepared to give, in order to gain your minimum position. Know what you need versus what you want.
• Again, in the heat of the conversation, know this is likely the first of a number of conversations. Know when to call a break in the discussion.
• Genuinely thank the other party for their openness.

Diffusing Sentences

To assist in the conversation, it is useful to have some diffusing but clarifying sentences at the ready.  The below sentences could be useful, but I would suggest you generate your own list and keep it at the ready:

• I have something I would like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.
• I’d like to talk to you about ……………… today.  When you said/did …………… it made me feel ……….  Help me understand your reasoning.
• I’d like to talk to you about ……………….  I think I have different ideas to you about how to ………………………. so, I want to understand your thoughts.
• I’d like to see if we can achieve a better understanding about …………………   I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspectives as well.

Impactful Leadership can assist you on your journey to become more comfortable with confrontation.

Image credit: iStock.com/fizkes